i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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