I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
