there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
