I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
