Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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