She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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