my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
