my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
