my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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