M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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