When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
