Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
