Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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