Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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