He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
