a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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