I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
