She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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