he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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