Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
