My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
