i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
