Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
