And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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