I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
