'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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