i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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