Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
