i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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