i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
