she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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