I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
