It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
