I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
