I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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