Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
organizing the empties. That sober.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
