mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
