you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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