he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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