why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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