anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
