yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
