I cannot find my penis.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
