I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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