I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
