i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
