I want to have your abortion
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
