he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
