you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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