and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
