1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
