you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
