Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
