I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
