Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
