Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
