I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
